Jokes Thread

[kkbbcute]

Hi all, since this is the general chats forum for everyone to chill out, I decided to just start a jokes thread for everyone to have a good laugh. Everyone is encouraged to share jokes and post anything they think is humorous, so let the ideas and humor flow!:)

Side Note: Nothing racist/sexist/degrading here.

With that, I'll get the ball rolling.The following jokes are from Crymod forums, so all credit goes to the contributors there.

QANTAS AIRLINES

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet,"
which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics
correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots
review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that
ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance
complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions
recorded (marked with an S) By maintenance engineers.


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.



P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.



P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.



P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.



P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.



P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.



P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.



P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.



P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.



P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.



P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.



P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.



P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.



P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed .


And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

[Paul Ferrie]

Lamo:):):):)

[Cota]

That was funny..Too bad the rest of the world doesnt have a sense of humor.

[ASWC]

- Mom, can I have some chocolates?
- Sure honey, you'll find them in the drawer over there.
- But Mom you know I don't have any arms!
- Well no arms no chocolates!

[Noct]

Hah!
Great post, it's refreshing to see something in gen chat that isn't an advertisement or yet another round of the Atomic Wars.

A little soda came out of my nose on this one:

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

[acolyte]

- Mom, can I have some chocolates?
- Sure honey, you'll find them in the drawer over there.
- But Mom you know I don't have any arms!
- Well no arms no chocolates!

i though there was a siterule agains degrading jokes agains physically injured -
i was so..... yeah now i write down my best joke about austrians and spottet the siterule :rolleyes:

Besides if this :

How many blond girls do you need to change a bulp ?

2......................

1. for changing the bulp and another to give me a ******* **** job

[Cota]

A man walks into a bar.....ouch! It hurts...

2 men walk into a bar...you would think the second would have noticed it.

[acolyte]

i have to admit that my joke wasnt that good but it was the only one i knew in english :P

my very favorite airoplane case what realy made me rofl was

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed .

[kkbbcute]

Yay, yet some more jokes from the guys at Crymod:

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way
computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo
(COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the
auto industry and stated, 'If GM had kept up with technology like the
computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000
miles to the gallon.'

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving
cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part ):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........

Twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy
a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You
would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows,
shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could
continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause
your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have
to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable,
five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only
five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be
replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation'
warning light.

I love the next one!!!

7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out
and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle,
turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how
to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in
the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off

[atomic]

Hah!
Great post, it's refreshing to see something in gen chat that isn't an advertisement or yet another round of the Atomic Wars.


Now, that's funny!

[wvxvw]

@kkbbcute:
http://www.timezero.ru/i/smile/old.gif
31886
OK, now doesn't function too...

[atomic]

Sure it does! I see it. Stop complaining will you!

__________________
Regards.

"But my words like silent raindrops fell, and echoed in the wells of silence..."

Click HERE (https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=3723050) to remove inline ads in this thread.

[wvxvw]

That's an :)

[asf8]

Sure it does! I see it. Stop complaining will you!

Said the man holding the megaphone. :p;)

[asf8]

Given the current gobal economic status and job loss rate this one might be applicable. In addition it is quite amusing. Like the Qantas Airlines one some people have probably already read this, but after seeing the Qantas one again maybe this one will be amusing again also. The Qantas one is good for a laugh every time.

McDonald's Fast Food Job Application

NAME: Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. HA HA, but seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

[wvxvw]

OK, here's the solution for FF + FireBug:
Open Firebug console, paste this code into "run window", press "run":
var el = document.getElementsByTagName("ins");
for(var p in el){
if(typeof el[p] == "object" && el[p].style){
el[p].style.visibility = "hidden";
}
}

[atomic]

Can I have one for IE and also a fix for the Quick Reply on IE, pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease! :o

__________________
Regards.

"But my words like silent raindrops fell, and echoed in the wells of silence..."

Click HERE (https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=3723050) to remove inline ads in this thread.

[wvxvw]

For IE you'd need to use this:
As only you see the page loaded, copy this link:
and paste it into address bar of your browser:
javascript:void(eval('var%20el%20%3D%20document.ge tElementsByTagName(%22ins%22)%3Bfor(var%20p%20in%2 0el)%7Bif(typeof%20el%5Bp%5D%20%3D%3D%20%22object% 22%20%26%26%20el%5Bp%5D.style)%7Bel%5Bp%5D.style.v isibility%20%3D%20%22hidden%22%3B%7D%7D'))%3B
Have fun :)

[asf8]

javascript:void(eval('var%20el%20%3D%20document.ge tElementsByTagName(%22ins%22)%3Bfor(var%20p%20in%2 0el)%7Bif(typeof%20el%5Bp%5D%20%3D%3D%20%22object% 22%20%26%26%20el%5Bp%5D.style)%7Bel%5Bp%5D.style.v isibility%20%3D%20%22hidden%22%3B%7D%7D'))%3B

Why is it encoded (escape signs etc..) ?

javascript:void(eval('var el = document.getElementsByTagName("ins");for(var p in el){if(typeof el[p] == "object" && el[p].style){el[p].style.visibility = "hidden";}}'));

[wvxvw]

IE would escape it anyway since everything that get's into address bar is escaped :)

Oh, and yet another thing... since you can have SWF posted in the forum + you can (can you really?) have it in your signature, you may have that script in your signature as well... so, whenever you will post in some thread it won't display ads :)

[kkbbcute]

Hey, guys, let's not drift off topic.

Side Note: The ads between posts seem to have disappeared.

EDIT: Never mind, it reappeared the moment I said that it was gone, what a jinx.

[wvxvw]

OK... steering back.
(Translated)
[AndrewK has recently discovered computer games world]
<AndrewK>
I've been playing Elder Scrolls III Morrowind, you gave me, for a couple of months now, so far I have best equipment I can get in the game. I can kill any monster that is in this game too. Besides, I'm the respectful member of the Warriors Guild. But I'm starting to loose interest, there're no challenges left for me...
And, you know, I was thinking... what if there was the same game, but you could play it on the internet? What if people could play together in the same virtual world, accomplishing quests, helping or fighting each other? Do you happen to know if there maybe are such games?

<Aminatep>
Nope, Andrew, there's no such thing. Years ago there ware few, but they bankrupted. Think for yourself, who'd like to share his gaming world with someone else?

<AndrewK>
Oh, you must be right, but still...

<Aminatep>
I say and I quote, there's no such thing! You have two more years to spend in the uni. Only couple of month ago you ware promoted to CEO position, and you ware about to marry that girl, what was her name?.. Nope, there're no such games.
* if you don't understand, blame it on poor translation *

[cjx3711]

Heres one on topic:

a woman walks into a convenience store and says, "Do you sell heads and shoulders?" Her son then asks her, "Mommy, don't you like your own? why do you want new ones?"

[atomic]

- "The whip! The whip!"

- "No! No! Anything but the whip!"

- "Anything but the whip?"

- "No! No! The whip! The whip!"


__________________
Regards.

"But my words like silent raindrops fell, and echoed in the wells of silence..."

Click HERE (https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=3723050) to donate.

[kkbbcute]

- "The whip! The whip!"

- "No! No! Anything but the whip!"

- "Anything but the whip?"

- "No! No! The whip! The whip!"


That was a good one.;)

[cjx3711]

A message recorded in an answering machine:


"Well I finally got an answering machine. Now how does this thing work? Hmmm. Press record button, I did that, and the light should be on. I wonder why it's not working right. Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does..."

[QuePasa?]

An F-111 was flying escort with a B-52 and generally making a nuisance of himself by flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber.

The message for the B-52 crew was, "Anything you can do, I can do better."

Not to be outdone, the bomber pilot announced that he would rise to the challenge.

The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level, however.

Perplexed, the fighter pilot asked, "So? What did you do?"

"We just shut down two engines."

[ASWC]

A guy attacks a bank with a mask on his face. Everybody must lie down. Nobody should look at him. Suddenly one bank employee tries to grab the mask to see the face of the guy but he reacts fast and shoots the employee cold. He looks around and see a guy who was maybe looking at him and shoot him immediately. He starts to ask "Anyone else saw my face here??!", a customer raises his hand and the guy comes right away ready to shoot. "Ho no I swear I did not see your face mister but I just wanted you to know my wife here took a very good look."

[ASWC]

the more you have Swiss cheese, the more you have holes in the Swiss cheese.
the more you have holes in the Swiss cheese, the less you have Swiss cheese.

[wvxvw]

Not really a joke.
Preface.
(I want to quit)
Senior developer calls me over IM:
<SD> - Do we have a new debugged version? The last one is buggy.
<me> - No, we don't have AS2 debugger and we never tried to debug our product.
<SD> - You still have open tickets, have you fixed that?
<me> - Yes, I did, but the other guy, who has to upload a new version isn't in the office.
<SD> - Can you send him the new version?
<me> - I can encode it in Base64 and SMS it to him. He has no internet connection atm.

Damn, I still work there... :(

[acolyte]

haha thats funny everywhere its the same :) :eek::mad:

nearly the same for me i dont realy need a "CTO" who thinks its best for him to setup my backend where i dont see true a bunch of spaghetticode and feel like flying true foggy fog fog soup with a broken altometer .