Never chase squirrels...

[20 Ton Squirrel]

One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was chasing after a squirrel to have for dinner. The frog called for the two to stop.

The frog said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both three wishes...Bear, you go first."

The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female."

For his wish, the squirrel asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the squirrel wasting his wish like that.

It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well."

Squirrel asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that the squirrel was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle.

For the last wish the bear thought for a while and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female."

The squirrel grinned, gunned the engine, and said, "I wish that the bear was gay."

[red penguin]

Red Penguin laughs until he falls on the floor and has to clutch himself to stop the pain in his chest!

[snapple]

For me, it was the quite brilliant image of the squirrel with a motocycle helmet on that made me laugh until i thought i should go to hospital and get my left ventrical cheked out ! Thanks.

[vilehelm]

...revenge for the classic "bear and a squirrel in the woods taking a poop" joke....

[Jesse]

Ahahahahaha that's a good one. The best thing about it is that it's on my site so now if I'm ever stuck to remember it (becuase I ALWAYS forget jokes) I can just search it out. Good work :)

[20 Ton Squirrel]

A long time ago in a shire whose name shall remain undisclosed lived a Scottsman and a Brit. They lived next door to one another, much to each other's chagrin.

One day a chicken from the Brit's yard waddled through a hole in the fence and laid an egg right in plain sight. Not one to turn up a good omlet, the Scott stooped to pick it up just as the Brit hoisted himself over the fence.

"See here now! That's MY egg. Give it back to me this instant."

The Scott blinked, glancing between the chicken and the Brit. "Chicken laid the egg on mah land, 'tis my egg."

"Bollux! It's my chicken, thus my egg!"

The Scott considered this for a moment, then got a broad grin. "Tell ya wha', I'll play ya fer it."

The Brit, not one to turn down a challenge, accepted.

"Right. We kick each other in the nads, who'er can get up afterwerds gets the egg."

"Agreed."

The Scott smirked and scurried into his home, emerging moments later with a pair of monstrous boots. As he strapped the boots on the Brit became quite pale.

"Ready?" he asked the Brit, rising to his feet. The Brit nodded numbly.

The Scott took a few steps back, lined himself up properly, then gave a nice running punt between the Brit's uprights. The impact was incredible, rising the poor fellow a good two feet in the air.

After writhing about in agony for a few moments, the Brit made it to his trembling feet. He smiled triumphantly. "Now it's my turn..." he rasped.

Wherin the Scottsman smirked and said, "Ah, you can keep the fook'n egg."

[tg]

oh man, that hurts im laughin so hard.

[pinkaboo]

hmmm I think I prefer the first one...

PinKaboo grins!

:p

[vilehelm]

Me too...but while we're on the subject of funny stuff...can you tell what's wrong with this picture? Took me about a minute to find it...you can actually HEAR it, if you listen closely.

http://www.martectx.de/

[tg]

so, uhm is this some kinda test to see how many people will go out and try to 'listen' to an image?

[vilehelm]

that's exactly what it is...go ahead, try it. look hard.

[Ricod]

Heheh ! Is this a joke thread or sumthing ?

Congrats to da squirrel for reaching the 1k ! Cashews on da house !

John's walking cross the street and bumps into his friend. "Hey John ma man ! Whassup ?". John replies : "Everything is fabulous ... 'cept for my arm ... its killing me ! I'm on my way to see my doctor ... sigh ... that'll cost me a bundle again. U know ... private practice.". His friend nods. "U know what u should do ? There's a great new medical device in the mini mall. Just insert a urine sample, pay $10 an wait a minute or so and u know what u have and what u should do to cure it ! It's great !". John walks on, but with every passing second his curiosity grows. What the heck ... it's $10 ... He goes home and takes a urine sample, walks over to the mini mall and pours it into the machine. He throws in a $10 bill and waits. After a minute a small piece of paper rolls out, stating : Good morning ! Problem : RSI. Cure : Get away from that mouse ! Exercise ! Get a drink during work ! Estimated time : 2 weeks. "Hmm ... sounds ok ... I'll just try. If after two weeks I still have it ... I go and see my doctor." 2 Weeks later his arm is totally cured. "Amazing ! What a machine !" Totally happy about his treatment, he wonders if the machine is that good, or that it was plain luck. He decides to test it. He goes home and tells the story to his wife and daughter and ask both of 'em for a urine sample. He mixes them in a jar, adds some **** of his dog and to top it off masturbates and adds his sperm to the "sample". He puts it in the machine, pays the $ 10 and waits a minute ... and another ... and another ... and after 10 more minutes a piece of paper rolls out stating : Good morning ! Problem : Pregnant. Cure : Get a divorce cuz the baby isn't yours ! Problem : Crack. Cure : Get your daughter to a clinic ! Problem : Worms. Cure : Ask your vet for a prescription. And while you're at it ... stop masturbating so much or else you'll never get rid of your RSI !

[20 Ton Squirrel]

That was so bad it was almost good! *snicker*

[red penguin]

Vile...after looking and looking I just couldn't find what the hell was wrong, but then it hit me like a ton of bricks..That is brilliant...Best thing I've seen in a long while...

I get these fits now..Thanks...

[pinkaboo]

Geez Vile, how lame?!!
'fraid it didn't impress the Pink.
:D


*twitch* *twitch*

[vilehelm]

Us Yanks like that kind of stuff "nyuk, nyuk, nyuk"

[Josh]

Two Indians and a Hillbilly were walking in the woods, all of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave. Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and then he listened very closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about. Was the other Indian crazy or what? "No," said the Indian. "It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see a cave, They holler 'Wooooo Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate."

Just then they saw another cave. The Indian ran up to the opening of the cave, stopped, and hollered,"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Immediately, there was an answering "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside the cave. He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then he came upon a great big cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!" He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation, and then he heard the answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!"

With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the Local Newspaper read.....

"NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN."


Josh Dura